Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.
If you ever drop your keys in a river of molten lava, let them go because man they're gone.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.
Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
If you're in the war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade.
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope he likes enchiladas, because that's what he's getting.
I remember as a boy watching my grandfather get up early every Saturday morning, put on his fishing gear and go down to the river to fish. He'd come home in the afternoon and we'd all laugh at him. However we weren't laughing when he came back one day with a hooker he picked up in town.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
One good thing about hell, at least, is that you can probably pee wherever you want to.
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
